Cultivating Compassion in Uncertain Times
Learn how compassion can help us cope with today's challenges
In these uncertain times, we all have a need for a little more compassion – compassion for those loved ones with whom we are spending ever more time with inside, those who are deeply suffering from the economic and health consequences of this pandemic, and for ourselves – to let ourselves off the hook a little in how we are coping with everything we are facing.
Research shows that mindfulness practices, like meditation, change our perspective on others and our external situations (Hölzel et al., 2011b). Called perspective-taking, we become more adept at considering how another might feel, building empathy and compassion. We also learn how to reframe our perspective on what we experience in a more positive light. This helps us find meaning and experience less distress in response to our challenges or another’s suffering, increasing our feelings of kindness, compassion, and connectedness (Davis & Hayes, 2011; Hölzel et al., 2011b; Neff & Pommier, 2012).
It is important to note the difference between empathy and compassion. Empathy is a process of being able to put yourself in another’s shoes and imagine feeling the way they feel. Compassion also involves the perception of another’s feelings, but includes a desire to help alleviate the other’s suffering. And these experiences involve different regions in the brain too. Empathy activates the neural networks responsible for self-relevance, value, and affiliation, where compassion activates the brain regions responsible for processing the self and mirroring other’s physical states (Berry et al, 2018). Because empathy involves a feeling of imagining oneself in someone else’s situation, versus compassion, which involves feeling with someone else, empathy can sometimes lead to a sense of fatigue, overwhelm, or aversion (Berry et al, 2018; Cameron & Frederickson, 2015; Luberto et al., 2018). In contrast, feelings of compassion usually involve a positive emotional orientation and altruistic stance towards helping. So, it is very important to cultivate compassion to help us manage the distressing experiences that those around us face.
Learning how to develop compassion, through a reflective process like the contemplation shared below, can help you move through the following process in the presence of difficulty:
notice any emotional distress in the moment,
pause to avoid getting reactive,
reflect on the experience with curiosity and draw any insights from it,
reframe your understanding of the experience,
integrate what is happening in the present moment to consider more helpful responses, and
respond consciously.
Science shows a broad range of positive outcomes for practicing mindfulness and cultivating compassion. This includes a reduction in conflict and bias, increased social connectedness, improved interpersonal relationships and happiness, and greater engagement in prosocial behavior and altruism (Dahl et al., 2015; Davis & Hayes, 2011; Jones, et al., 2019; Kang et al, 2013; Luberto et al., 2018). One study showed that after six to seven weeks of compassion training, participants showed improvements in positive affect, an increase in life satisfaction, and a reduction in stress (Leiberg et al., 2011).
6 CONTEMPLATIONS FOR COMPASSION:
The following six-step exercise for developing compassion can be helpful when sitting quietly in contemplation or even in the moment when faced with a challenging experience, especially involving difficulty with another person.
We’ll take as an example, the scenario of a person in a relationship with an addict, though this could work in a range of circumstances. Yes – we would probably all agree that it would be healthiest if the addict “should” end their addiction. But, how do we handle this circumstance from a place of unconditional love or greater mindfulness? A series of contemplations can guide our response:
LOOK TO THE ROOTS: How do we contemplate the addict and the underlying reasons for their behavior? What are their underlying needs (love, protection, safety, understanding, power)? Where are their intentions coming from in their choices? How might they be protecting themselves from vulnerability? Can we observe without judgment or evaluation?
CULTIVATE EMPATHY & COMPASSION: How is the addict suffering? Can we imagine the addict as innocent as the day they were born? Can we imagine their life journey up to this minute? Can we feel compassion for the addict’s experience? How can we express this understanding with grace?
CONSIDER OUR SIMILARITIES: How can we understand this from within? How are we similar? What has been our hardest act of change? How have we coped in ways that harmed ourselves and others? How have we acted out of fear? Is there any way we have contributed to their suffering? How can we accept our interconnectedness?
CONSIDER OUR NEEDS & ACCEPTING REALITY: Though we may want the addict to change, can we acknowledge the reality that this person may never stop his/her behavior? If we are in some form of relationship with the person, what do we need on a human values level, on a practical level? Can we ask for what we need and make choices given this reality? What can we let go of? Can we hold a vision for what might change one day? Where do we need to draw a line for their wellbeing and ours?
LISTENING FROM THE ESSENTIAL LEVEL: What would the highest possibility be? What needs to be spoken to the other’s deepest self? What would unconditional love dictate in this circumstance? What support can we offer, but what compassionate boundaries may we need?
CHOOSING TO RESPOND: What is needed most now? What would you do? How can needs be expressed from a place of non-blaming or demanding, but from a statement of truth about what is needed most for the self and other?
Cultivating compassion in uncertain times. (2020, April 18). Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/warriors-within/202004/cultivating-compassion-in-uncertain-times?fbclid=IwAR2zSQA2hTjdOkagVpxi199SsMstFvs-XkoSA2IhIHMi67P8xKvXpyO7Y4M
References
Berry, D. R., Cairo, A. H., Goodman, R. J., Quaglia, J. T., Green, J. D., & Brown, K. W. (2018). Mindfulness increases prosocial responses toward ostracized strangers through empathic concern. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 147(1), 93–112. doi:10.1037/xge0000392.
Cameron, C. & Fredrickson, B. (2015, October). Mindfulness Facets Predict Helping Behavior and Distinct Helping-Related Emotions. Mindfulness 6(5):1211-1218. doi: 10.1007/s12671-014-0383-2.
Dahl, C. J., Lutz, A., & Davidson, R. J. (2015). Reconstructing and deconstructing the self: Cognitive mechanisms in meditation practice. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 19(9), 515–23. PMCID: PMC4595910