Conscious Communications
Global Grassroots offers the following practices and tools for investing in more conscious communications, especially during times when we need to be having difficult conversations across differences. We include here a mindfulness practice for maintaining presence during dialogue without losing touch with your own emotions; a guide for diffusing conflict; some insights from a study on person-centered communications, which help people feel truly supported; and tools for engaging in an exchange that honors the other’s self-efficacy while aiding them in reconnecting with their inner wisdom and finding their own solution. We hope these may be of support.
PRACTICE | 50-50 Attention
This practice builds upon other foundational mindfulness practices we have previously shared, including noticing your breath and noticing your body (e.g., body scan). Now we extend our awareness outward from our own internal experience to become aware of what is happening around us, including anyone with whom we may be engaging in conversation.
Part 1: First, try to conduct mindfulness of the breath or notice how your body feels, what mood or emotional state you may be experiencing, and your mental activity (e.g., daydreaming, thoughts, worries) as a starting practice for at least five minutes. After successfully noticing your breath and checking in with the body, heart and mind – which we call the “three centers” – try to hold 50 percent of your attention on your internal experience (breath or body/heart/mind), while allowing the other 50 percent of your attention to notice what is happening around you in your space. This could be sounds, temperature, light, smells, humidity, and so on. Next, open your eyes and look around, taking in the sights of your space while you also hold your attention on your breath. When you have been able to feel both your inner and outer experiences simultaneously, we call this being fully present. Practice this daily for at least 10-20 minutes.
Part 2: Next, try to balance your attention 50-50 with your inner and outer experience as you leave your space and move out into the world around you. You do not yet need to engage with another, but practice for 10-20 minutes holding an awareness of your inner landscape and external environment as you move among your family or go on a walk. Reflect daily in a journal about what you have noticed about the quality and focus of your attention along with how it shifts in relationship to the world and people around you as well as over time. What insights do you discover?
Part 3: Once you have had an experience of holding your attention equally between your inner and outer experience, then try to conduct one conversation from this space. Try to hold half your attention on your three centers or breath while extending half your awareness to everything about the person you are with—what they are saying, feeling, and doing. See if you can maintain this attention throughout a conversation. Notice what causes you to lose balance or focus, and where your attention goes—Do you find yourself forgetting yourself for the other person, or noticing your own thoughts at the expense of the other? Consider conducting this experiment with a different person each day or a single person daily for a week. Do you notice how your experience changes with different people or different kinds of conversations (personal, emotional, conflict, professional, and so on)? Did any aspect of your relationship or dialogue shift as you brought more presence to your conversations?
Keep in mind that these are not mere experiments, though they may feel that way the first time you try. This is exercise. This is a practice. And your mindfulness, awareness, and presence will improve over time. Embrace and endure the novice mindset. But stick with it. You are stretching. Your brain is forging new neural pathways. And you will see a change.
This is staying present with ourselves and our environment. The more we practice, the better we will be at staying grounded in ourselves even when we are with someone who is suffering, even when we are in chaos or an emergency, and even when we are in a stressful environment or when we are being challenged. This will help us in staying focused, calm and clear on how to act wisely and with understanding.
ENGAGE | Conscious Conflict Resolution
One of the skills which will serve us most in our work as conscious social change leaders is the ability to listen not just to ourselves, but to others. So much conflict is caused because of a lack of understanding, an unwillingness to listen to the other, and being driven by one's own need to be right. We spend much of our time thinking of what we want to say rather than being present and hearing what our opponent is saying. Or we try to convince the other of blame instead of solving problems together. Mindfulness of ourselves and others will help you not only with any opposition or conflict you may face, but in communicating better with your team or beneficiaries.
It is also likely that if you are working on deep root causes to suffering, working against the dominant power structure and beliefs and changing systems that may cause change to the people who depend on those systems for their own power – you will face opposition or resistance. This is the first step of working with conflict non-violently. I extend my gratitude to our former Global Grassroots staff member Jamie Gutterman as well as Harville Hendrix’s Imago Dialogue model of active listening, which influenced this approach.
Using Mindfulness to Understand Oneself in Conflict:
1. Recognize an emotional charge in yourself or another
2. Stop and take three breaths
3. Listen and be curious - go within and notice if there is something that upset you that is unrelated to the other person – a fear, a wound, an assumption, attachment/aversion, etc.
4. Respond wisely and consciously
The more that you practice this process, the less slow and awkward it will feel, and the more quickly you will be able to scan your own intentions and develop a wise response. If we can control our own urge to react, then we have eliminated half the conflict. Now for the other half of the conflict…
Resolution through a Conscious Response
So what is a wise, conscious and non-violent response to conflict? After you pause and breathe, utilize the following next steps:
1. Listen and Share Respectfully: This aligns with the path of conscious social change in our willingness to be mindful and present to look deeply and listen. Listening to the other point of view does not mean you agree with them or their actions. It gives that person space to explain their perspective and feel acknowledged. Much of conflict comes from not feeling seen and heard. First, make sure that each person involved in the disagreement has the opportunity to respectfully share their perspective, and to explain how they feel with regard to the conflict, without the other one trying to argue or defend their position. During their turn to explain, each person should:
Name the problem/behavior and its impact, using specific, fact-based examples to illustrate the situation.
Describe personal emotions about the issue, using “I” statements, not “you” blaming statements (e.g., I felt disrespected vs. you disrespect me)
Example: “I felt frustrated and disrespected when you arrived two hours late for our scheduled meeting today.”
2. Clarify to See Clearly and Understand: After both people have shared their “side” of the conflict, ask questions if you need clarification and provide your own with facts not blaming. This is important so that both sides can fully understand the root causes of the conflict. By seeing the conflict from the other person’s perspective, we are also able to be empathetic, and to be more aware of how our words and actions affect others. This aligns with our commitment to work at the roots and stay attuned. You can use mirroring to repeat their concern, even using some of the same words they chose to ensure they feel heard.
3. Acknowledge with Compassion. After listening to each other to better understand the problem, thank the other for what they have shared, acknowledge how they must have felt, and reflect upon and claim responsibility for your role in the conflict.
DO THANK AND ACKNOWLEDGE: “I really appreciate your sharing how you experienced these circumstances. I understand now that when I showed up late without calling, this might have made you feel disrespected. Did I get that right?”
DO NOT JUMP TO YOUR OWN DEFENSE FIRST: “I was late because my vehicle got stuck in the mud and I had no battery left on my phone. Why don’t you ever give me the benefit of the doubt?”
By acknowledging what they have said and how it may have made them feel, you are helping them feel heard. This still does not mean you agree with them, but that you are acknowledging what they said. You should also check that you understood correctly. Again, we are trying to bring mindfulness and attunement to understanding the roots of each person’s experience. We may find that there was a misunderstanding, a limiting belief, fear or assumption at play, or suffering that is coming from a place of attachment or aversion. Remembering our own experiences with the challenges of change can help us find compassion for the challenges others may have, which often drive conflict. This frequently requires a letting go of ego, which wants to jump in to protect and defend our own interests. Mindfulness practice helps.
4. Set an Intention to Resolve the Conflict: Find common ground and state your intention to resolve the conflict. If you can, clarify what is at stake (explain why resolving this issue is important to both parties). In doing so, you begin to develop an intention, mission or a common vision for a resolution. This is the most critical piece of reaching resolution: rather than rehashing the circumstances and fighting to be right, we make a commitment to find a solution, and let go or compromise where necessary to do so.
Example: “I want to resolve this conflict so we can work well together. I think it is important that we both show respect for each others’ time and effort on this project by following through on commitments we make to each other.”
5. Problem-solve together: Just as we work together in getting to the roots of a social issue and designing solutions collaboratively, work together to find a solution of mutual agreement. Make a plan that addresses and respects the needs and interests of both parties.
Example: “In the future, we will commit to attending our project meetings, as planned. If one of us must be late for a scheduled meeting, he/she will call the other person ahead of time.”
Example: “In this case, I meant no disrespect. My phone was without battery when I was stuck, but I will resolve to always charge my phone so I can call you if there is an emergency and I might be more than 15 minutes late. Would that work for you?”
Employing deep listening, self-awareness, and compassion, and recognizing our role in the conflict will help to shed light on the unconscious material that may be driving our reactivity, inspire empathy for the other’s experience, and bring clarity to what needs to happen to reach resolution.
One small note – you may encounter others who are unwilling to listen to you even after you have practiced a conscious response with them. This you cannot control. You can only do your part to engage mindfully, non-violently, and with presence and compassion. You will model what is possible. Because you are bringing greater awareness to the conversation, you will also have the greater responsibility for patience. You may also find that with a little time, after having responded in this way, you leave the door open with a greater likelihood that the other person will return to engage with you when their emotions have cooled.
INSIGHT | Person-Centered Communications
According to a study conducted by Jones et al (2019), supportive communications must involve not only listening with awareness and discernment, but also compassion and assistance in alleviating negative emotion. Individuals may deliver messages to another that can be characterized as low, medium or high person-centered, designating how supportive they may be perceived by the recipient. Messages that are assessed as low person-centered (PC) involve the listener denying, criticizing or minimizing the experience of the speaker or telling them how they should feel. Medium PC messages involve sympathy in acknowledging feelings, but go on to try to distract or explain someone’s experience. High PC conversations validate a persons’ experience, involve probing questions to help the person find meaning in their experience, mirror what they have heard, and encourage the other to talk. To learn more:
Jones, S. M., Bodie, G. D., & Hughes, S. D. (2019). The Impact of Mindfulness on Empathy, Active Listening, and Perceived Provisions of Emotional Support. Communication Research, 46(6), 838–865. doi: 10.1177/0093650215626983
Following is a tool for high person-centered listening that supports self-sufficiency and agency in accessing one’s own wisdom and determining solutions for oneself.
ENGAGE | Deep Listening
Listening compassionately is one of the first offerings we can always provide another human being. Sometimes we feel compelled to fix the other and we must recognize it is not always our job to alleviate all of the suffering of those around us, as much as we may try. Sometimes simply being present is enough. And it demonstrates to the other that their just being here as they are is also enough. In listening to individuals who may be seeking your counsel, there are five levels of engagement to consider that can help an individual expand their agency and come to their own conclusion – a more empowering and mindful approach than simply giving your advice outright. We extend our gratitude to Jessica Dibb of the Inspiration Community for her teachings on therapeutic facilitation, which our founder has adapted for use in a conscious social change model:
1. Mirroring: Repeat back what the person has said word for word – this helps someone feel heard. So if they say, “I feel totally lost right now and I don’t know what to do,” you respond: “So you’re feeling really lost right now and you don’t know what to do?” It may feel strange to you to repeat their exact words, but the other individual will feel heard and will feel encouraged to continue.
2. Furthering Inquiry: If they feel stuck, you can ask, “Is there more?” or “Can you tell me more about that?” Again, this allows the person to feel your presence with them, but does not require you to provide advice or counsel. You can also ask, “How does that make you feel” or “How are you feeling about that right now?” You can also ask how they feel in their body, which can help them slow down and focus on the present.
Among a group, you can inquire in the same way: “Can you elaborate?” “Can you tell me more about that issue?” “What else?” “Why is that the case?” and “How is your community feeling about the nature of this issue?”
3. Inviting Questions: These questions are more targeted and are meant to help the individual move beyond the story and shift to a more constructive problem-solving process to reach their own conclusion. You can ask: “What does it feel like needs to happen now?” “What do you really want?” “What do you feel would help at this moment?” “Have you thought about how to handle the situation?” “Do you have others who can help you think through this?” “What do you know to be true?” Again, you do not have to provide your opinion or a solution. It may be enough that someone has had a chance to speak what they have been keeping inside. Their words may come with emotion that you can be present for without having to do anything specific. Telling people it will be okay is not always the right thing, as it can be patronizing and not acknowledging reality.
In a larger collective, you can ask, “What have you considered might need to happen next?” “What else do you need to know that could help us really understand this challenge?” “What might success look like?” “What do you think your community really needs?” “Why do you think this has happened?” “Where might we go from here?” “Where are you seeing common ground?”
4. Validation and Affirmations: If they answer any of the questions above, you can repeat their response in a form of an affirmation or validation. If they say, “I think I need to drop out of this course.” You can say, “So you feel like you need to drop out of this course.” Or they may say, “I need to know my husband loves me.” You can say, “Of course you do. You need to know your husband loves you. You are lovable, Jean.” Again, you are not providing them with advice, but supporting their own capacity to access their own wisdom. Of course, if they say something like, “I just don’t think I’m good enough.” You can counter with “I understand you feel you’re not good enough, but trust me you are good enough. I have seen your capacity to lead others… ” or something that can support their connection to their own capacities. Be certain not to just say anything, but to respond with an authentic recognition of who they are and their qualities.
In a community environment, you can honor the impact of the situation, express your acknowledgment of the experiences of all participants, restate the diverging views or common ground, affirm their feelings, and validate what they are discovering by going through this intentional process as a facilitator or fellow stakeholder.
5. Advice: They may simply want your advice. Be certain never to lead with your advice, especially if it is not solicited. In some cases, this may be a giving up of one’s own power to an authority. So, you may need to lean into what is happening to recognize whether they want you to solve the problem for them. You may need to say, “I just don’t feel qualified to know what is best,” or “Only you know what you truly need.” In other cases, someone may be in danger or at risk, and you may feel you can reasonably offer advice that will protect them. (Sometimes withholding advice could be neglectful, such as a domestic violence case. Use presence and mindfulness to know how best to respond in each circumstance.)
In a group, rather than offer advice outright, you can ask people what might be most helpful, or “How can I best support you?” You can propose how you might think about an issue, offering a framework or suggesting a next step, then turn over the analysis and conclusion to the group again: “Here’s how I might look at it,” “Would you like to explore this or that next?” or “One thing I think I could offer is __________Would that be helpful?” Each time, you are allowing the team or group to make the final call, which supports its agency, ownership, and leadership.
In this form of questioning, the least intrusive form is more supportive of self-empowerment. So, try to stay with the mirroring step above and only move up the ladder to advice as absolutely necessary. Find opportunities to practice this with others in your family, work and community.
ENGAGE | Mindful Engagement & Inquiry without Imposition
In interacting with its grassroots participants globally, Global Grassroots uses a process of Inquiry Without Imposition, with an overarching goal of catalyzing self-sufficiency. We can encourage stakeholders to diagnose issues within their communities based on their own unique understanding, set their own priorities, chose their own goals and metrics for evaluating their progress and design their own solution. When we are coaching a team, we use frameworks and tools that allow a team to work through their own analysis and come up with their own conclusions. When they get stuck, we tend to ask them questions to help them get to their own answer rather than tell them what we would do. We do not impose our values, our social issue priorities or our solutions. We may share ideas, best practices and case studies when asked, but at the end of the day, we respect local wisdom and implantation even if it is not as we originally envisioned. Finally, we commit to ensuring no endeavor causes harm. Questions that are typically used in this process are very similar to deep listening. They include:
Tell me how you are looking at this issue.
What tools might we use to get a deeper understanding?
Who else might know more about this? •
Is there another possibility?
What do you think is most needed?
Is that true?
What does your gut say about that?
What information do you need to come to a decision?
What will achieve the mission?
What will address the deepest underlying cause of the issue?
If you woke up tomorrow and everything was as you wanted it to be, what would be different?
What strategies could be useful here?
Are there any other perspectives that we should consider?
What are the most important criteria?
What needs to happen?
What is the highest possibility?
How can we break this down into smaller puzzles to solve?
What are the next three steps to move in that direction? •
What values are most important here?
What are the underlying intentions?
Where is there common ground?
Where do you see differences in experience/opinion?
How can I support you?